i don't wanna grow up. bordom strikes, and what ever elce i rote. see below for more details.

Boredom strikes.

I’ve been cleaning house. *gasps* yes, I’m that board. I sprayed the bathroom down with scrubbing bubbles and I got some of it on my hand and leg. I don’t recall how I got it on my leg or how it’s even possible but now I have a rash there.

 I stripped our bed and I washed all of the sheets and blankets and pillow cases. Note to self, a king size comforter cannot fit in the washer along with the sheets. Cannot cannot cannot! And I flipped both of the mattresses so now the memory phoam is on the firmer side. We’ll try that out for a few days to see if I like it better. And the bed is still stripped at the moment so poor poor we: we will have to sleep on the couch because I’m not making it back tonight. *evil laugh*

Am I weird? Do you think I’m weird? Don’t answer yet; wait till you find out what I’m doing for entertainment at the moment. I’m bending my arm to where it’s making my hand go numb. Then I’m bighting my fingers till the feeling comes back in them. And I’m spinning around and round in the roley chair and listening to threw glass bye stone sour really really extremely loud. This gets me off. No it doesn’t, not really, but it makes me happy.

I don’t want to ever grow up. Never ever. This realization hit me hard tonight wile sitting on the back porch hanging out with all of my old friends. I don’t want to feel them slipping farther and farther away from me but this is the first time we’ve hung out since October, so I think I’m a bit too late for that. I just want to keep them all close to me but something somewhere in side of my body tells me that there already gone. It didn’t seem that way tonight wile we goofed off like we usually do, or did. Telling jokes, sipping pop, coo lade, beer, any thing. Giving each other dares that we wouldn’t do our selves. Then doing them out of spontaneous thinking. Like it was one of those hot summer nights. But torge the end of the night, there was this edgy truth lying in the air that you could cut with a knife and I think that every one knew that this would be one of the last times we did this. Although no one said any thing about it, were all growing up and it sucks!

So I guess I should tell you all about how I almost died tonight. I wasn’t going to, but Wee insisted that I did so here goes.

You know those powerade bottles with the twist up lids? Well I had one of those and I filled it up with root beer. Stupid me shakes it up with the lid twisted down of cores, and then I stick it in my mouth and open it. Before I no it there’s a stream of fome shooting in my mouth and down my throat. Not just any stream, I’m talking powerful bitches. I don’t know how I did it but I did my throat  a weird way so it wouldn’t go in to my lungs, and thank god it didn’t but it caused me to spit it out on to the kitchen floor. Ahahah! Despite the having to clean it all up part, I laughed my ass off. For a split second there, I thought I was going to dye. There was just so much. If it would have went in to my lungs, I don’t know what I would have done because I wouldn’t have been able to breathe. Trust me, you had to be there. I guess it was the expression on my face or something because every one else got a good laugh from it.

So I’m using this mock 3 razor right now, and I have to say that I love it.  It shaves wonderfully but the blades are so freeking expensive. Like 2 dollars per blade. Yikes! Trust me, it’s something I’m willing to bye because it’s the best razor for shaving the down stairs region. But there’s godda be something a little bit cheaper out there with the same results. And if not o well.

I can’t remember to take this damn birth control every fucking day. I think I’m going to get back on the nuva ring very soon. I have the mind of a 3 year old, and I just can’t remember to take it. Blah! Don’t get me wrong, I am taking it because I don’t want to be graced with the presents of a baby at the moment; it’s just a pain in my big fat ass.

There was a sign at the air port that my friend red to me yesterday, it said please do not use escalators with out shoes. Who in the fuck gets on an escalator with out shoes? Who in the hell goes threw an air port with out shoes? Ah, my curiosity amazes me. I’m morbidly terrified of them any ways so o well.

Duty calls. Ttfn!

birds flying high

Sup xanga bitches? How is it going out there in the real world? Just fine here in la la land.

I feel sooo good. I took a bubbly bath tonight and then I lathered my self in baby oil. I’m silky smooth right now.

J and I have been talking. I think he’s trying to put the moves on me. I don’t want another relationship with him again. I’m just fine in the one that I’m in. not to say that I haven’t been having fun with it, because I am.. But nothing that would be considered cheating of cores. Were just friends. Well, were only friends when he feels it’s convenient, but ya.

Despite feeling sooo good, I think I’m getting another yeast infection. My klit is itching like a bitch. Eeh! I’m going to put some koochie cream on it tonight and see if that will help. I hope it does. I started a new BC Thursday and I think that’s the reason I’m getting one, but I’ve never herd of people getting them because of that. Hmmm...

I didn’t wash my hair tonight because I straitened it yesterday and it is the stratest it’s been in months so I’m going to let the strictness marinate for a wile. Ahahaaha!

I’m feeling a bit better after every thing, but I could be a lot better. Good thing is, there’s snow out side. Woo woo!

Your tung traced the most inner parts of my soal and your fingers klinched my hair. Your   soft moans of protest combined with mine, and with our bodies intertwined together we made love.

Read this, you know you wanna.

The computer red 28 degrees, but I felt dead, so I went out side to see if it was really that cold. Boy was I a sight to see standing on the porch with

My short sleeves and my pajama pants and only my fuzzy house shoes to protect my feet. I couldn’t even lean on the pole like I normally do because I know

if I would have touched any part of my skin to it for a long amount of time I would have been stuck there to it. I stood there, for who knows how long,

just letting the cold penetrate my body because I wanted to feel alive. Even if it mint possible hypothermia. The cold bit my ears and stung the insides

of my nose each time I breathed in. my fingertips began to grow numb and I was shivering uncontrollably. 

I guess this is what three long days cooped up

in an apartment does to you. William came to the Dore and asked, what are you doing out here, but I couldn’t give him an answer. Probably because it would

have sounded so stupid to say, “I felt dead, so I came out here to feel alive”. He would have been dialing the number to the nearest insane asylum around.

So I stood there shifting my feet above the broken up ice and all that I said was I kneaded some fresh air. And all that we heard from that point on was

the ice cracking and braking beneath the every movement of my feet.

I wanted to set down, but I couldn’t because of the ice stuck to every thing. All of the ice reminded me of death for some reason. I touched the bench on

the porch and there were ice sickles hanging all over it. I recoiled at the touch of the cold steal.

Finely, he said, come on, lets go in. and I went, because by this time I had been out there for at least an hour, or what seemed like an hour and I did

not want any part of freezing to death. So I came back in and got in bed to warm my self back up because that was the only thing left to do.

He knows I’m not doing well, but he doesn’t call me on it. He just tries to help me in the best ways that he can. And most important of all, he still loves

me. He tells me that more then once every single day. And I love him to. I’m so happy I found someone who can treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I took care of the hair problem tonight… I shaved.

And I’ve got to clean the house before the maintenance man gets here to fix the door knobs. Poo!

I took one of Wee’s Trazodones because to tell you the truth, I just kneed the fucking wrest. I’ve been going out of my mind since I lost the baby, and I don’t care to be awake right now. So hopefully that kicks in here soon.

Dustin Thompson, where are you? We’ve been wondering since the last time we talked to you in October. Hope your ok.

Nighty night, people!

trimming the bushes! trying not to have sex, and sex positions

We’re really pushing the envelope but I don’t know how to stop it. I know we shouldn’t be having sex till I get back on my birth ctrl but I feel like like, I don’t know, like I kneed it. Ah, that’s stupid.

I’ve been thinking about getting one of those calendar things where you pill off the sticker and it gives you a different sex position for each day. It probably won’t have most of the positions that we’ve made up our selves on it though so I probably won’t unless I come across one that does.

God! I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with winter but I’m beginning to look like a rain forest down  stairs. I’m really good about shaving all year around usually, but lately, ohe! My god! I’ve really godda do something about this. Plus every time I shave I get the bumps and  they itch really bad so does any one have any tips on stuff to use because I don’t want him to think I’ve got an std or something because of the bumps and redness and itching and stuff. I can’t ask my friends about this kind of thing because, well, they don’t shave those areas. It’s “groce”! Poo! It’s more groce to have a fucking bush. Man! When they come to their senses about it, there all going to need weed eaters to get all of that hair off. Yuck.

I’m going to get in the shower now and take care of my hair issue. Ta ta!

to all of the fake bitches, the poazers; i hate you!

I’m beginning to see the fakeness of the world in a not so inviting light. It’s like now days if people don’t know who they are, they have to make it up instead of find there self.  Don’t you think if you find your self that would be a lot better and easier then having to make up some one else who people probably really don’t like any ways. Making up some one because you don’t know who you are just pushes you farther from your quest because the person you pretend to be isn’t like the real you at all.

And its weird how people from the outside can find the “real you” before you find it. That seems a little weird to me, if I’m trying to find the “real me”, which I am, I think every one is; I would like to see the real me before some one else from the outside does first. It’s a little scary and a bit haunting to think some one else knows me more then I know my self. Believe it or not, there’s plenty of people out there who know me more then I’ll ever know my self.

Sorry about the rant, I’m just frustrated with all of this; “I don’t know who I am” boo hoo bull shit I’ve been reading all over the place lately.  Who gives a fuck if your pretending to be some one else because you don’t like the real you, have fun in your fantasy world losers! Because you won’t get any where in reality.

People, real! People have too much to worry about then weather or not some one likes them for them. I could give a fuck less if people don’t like me, and as we all know, many people don’t, but I’m not setting around wining about it constantly. They know that they can go fuck there selves if they don’t like me, but the funniest part of it all is most of the people who don’t spent most of there time pretending to my face that they do, and then run off and tell other people otherwise. Ahahahah! Your not wasting my time. So in your faces! Bitches! Mainly you cough cough Charisa, you bragged about getting an abortion you selfish little bitch. May god strike you down with lightning.  And her only excuse for murdering her child was she couldn’t take care of a baby because she had to “find her self” first.

On more boring but important news, Kalck is kicking my ass. I think I’m going to drop it. It’s really getting to me. My Frustration is reaching my boiling point and we don’t need that right now. Too bad I realized this when I’m more then half way done with the class. Gurr! Maybe I’ll finish it, but most likely not. Or maybe I’m just frustrated because I’m in a sighted chapter with graphs, and pictures and all sorts of sighted “you have to see to do this” kind of things.  I don’t know. Meh!

It’s cold out side, 23 degrees. Wow! Where’s my swim sute? Not! It’s not snowing yet, just sleeting and stuff, but I’m still hoping for snow. Crossing my fingers.

Tonight I had enough energy to make William and I some dinner. I made mashed potatoes, mack and cheese, and little smokies. Then we cleaned up the kitchen really good and then,

I had a really hot bubble bath tonight. I used my sweet p bubbles I got for Christmas. And after I got out I put baby oil all over my body so I feel extra silky smooth. I might do that more often. But for now I will concentrate on taking a nap. Ttfn!